In Malaysia.

Date Mon, 01 Jul 2002 12:32:08 +0000
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Subject Hello from Malaysia


Hello my dear friends,

remember me?

I am pleased to report that I am fit and healthy and enjoying my
journey immensely. I am currently in Malaysia. I have spent the
last few weeks exploring big cities, hiking through ancient rain
forests, SCUBA diving pristine coral reefs, strolling through vast
tea plantations and sipping Singapore Slings at the bar of The
Raffles Hotel. I have been bitten by mosquitoes, sand flies,
leaches, bed bugs and cleaner fish but it was the bill at the Raffles
bar that hurt the most.

Prior to entering Malaysia I spent two months in Indonesia and only
two weeks into my trip I became somewhat ill. I suffered from one of
the many nasty side effects that are attributed to the anti-Malaria
medication that I was taking. Luckily I was staying with my family
at the time and they took very good care of me. I soon got better so
I promptly took part in a hike up and into a spectacular, sulphur
spitting volcano. I visited a number of volcanoes in fact as they
are sprinkled liberally all over Indonesia. Waterfalls are also
quite abundant, each with their own personality. One waterfall was
particularly special and sitting inside this stone cave filled with
swirling winds and flying water was one of the most magical moments
of my life.

I devoted much of my time in Indonesia to my family (and they devoted
much of their time to me for which I am very grateful). I have only
met my father's relatives on a handful of occasions in the past and
relished the opportunity to spend more time with them. I made four
new friends in my cousin's young children and we spent many hours
playing together.

I have made many new friends along the way. So many interesting
people; locals, travellers and some people that fall somewhere in-
between. Some of these people plan to visit Australia in the future
so let me know if you would like to meet some interesting people and
I will steer them in your direction.

In the next few days I will move northward to Thailand which I very
much look forward to.

I miss you all and hope that this e-mail finds you in good health and
good spirits.

Regards, Ben

A less confident man.

Last night I made the revelation, or had the realisation that it isn't really me against some external foe. I always *knew* it. But every different context feels different. When I am eating, it feels like it is me v. my meal. When I finish eating, it feels like it is me and my new food energy v. the big, bad World. When I go to the toilet, it always feels like I am competing against someone else (don't ask me how). But last night I just *knew* that it was me fighting against Giovani (yes, I gave it a name, it makes it easier to identify). In short, I have an internal battle on my hands. That is tough because I can't really see what's happening. People who have had cancer or have been told that they have, or will develop, a similar internal disease will understand. You just can't see your enemy. The 'medication' doesn't help either. I am sure that I'm not myself when I am on drugs. I am a bit 'crazy'!

On the news, I see people die unexpectedly every day. Whether by car crash or hunger in Syria or the Sudan. And I feel sorry for them. Often their death is quite traumatic for their loved one's. My case is slightly different in that we know that I am going to die ... at some stage, probably sooner rather than later, we just don't know when! The question is, what do I do with myself until then? It is that old chestnut, I have a crisis of purpose and don't know what to do with myself. There isn't much that I can do without help. I shower, I go for a lap around the lake, I waste a lot of time with Google+ and Pintrest. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to eat. But I don't really *do* anything.

Anyway, it's me against me ... or at least me against Giovani. To see whom will outlive who. I have tried digging him out (thank you Charlie), and I have tried burning him out ( thank you Professor Smee) and I have tried poisoning him out (thank you Dr. Wheeler). But none of that has worked mainly because Giovani is growing into healthy brain tissue, rather than around it. That makes Giovani harder to treat. Giovani is growing into important brain tissue too so we can't just hack bits out like you can in other parts of the brain.

In any case, my battle is now mainly mental. I need to justify my daily existence. My good friend recently posted that "The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and obvious and so simple." - Alan Watts. But I am not content with simply being alive. It is easier when I have a 'good' day like today. I still don't get anything done but I guess I *do* feel more content about it. It's all I have though ... stayin' alive that is. I am unlikely to get better so it's a matter of staying alive for as long as possible. This is not really much fun. Especially when staying alive is so much hard work. Don't get me wrong ... I am in no hurry to die and I do enjoy all of your visits . I just get a bit bored with my simple existence. I probably think about it too much. Yes ... I probably do.

I think that I'll have a cup of tea and watch some TV. In the mean time I'll post an email from Malaysia. Enjoy!