A less confident man.

Last night I made the revelation, or had the realisation that it isn't really me against some external foe. I always *knew* it. But every different context feels different. When I am eating, it feels like it is me v. my meal. When I finish eating, it feels like it is me and my new food energy v. the big, bad World. When I go to the toilet, it always feels like I am competing against someone else (don't ask me how). But last night I just *knew* that it was me fighting against Giovani (yes, I gave it a name, it makes it easier to identify). In short, I have an internal battle on my hands. That is tough because I can't really see what's happening. People who have had cancer or have been told that they have, or will develop, a similar internal disease will understand. You just can't see your enemy. The 'medication' doesn't help either. I am sure that I'm not myself when I am on drugs. I am a bit 'crazy'!

On the news, I see people die unexpectedly every day. Whether by car crash or hunger in Syria or the Sudan. And I feel sorry for them. Often their death is quite traumatic for their loved one's. My case is slightly different in that we know that I am going to die ... at some stage, probably sooner rather than later, we just don't know when! The question is, what do I do with myself until then? It is that old chestnut, I have a crisis of purpose and don't know what to do with myself. There isn't much that I can do without help. I shower, I go for a lap around the lake, I waste a lot of time with Google+ and Pintrest. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to eat. But I don't really *do* anything.

Anyway, it's me against me ... or at least me against Giovani. To see whom will outlive who. I have tried digging him out (thank you Charlie), and I have tried burning him out ( thank you Professor Smee) and I have tried poisoning him out (thank you Dr. Wheeler). But none of that has worked mainly because Giovani is growing into healthy brain tissue, rather than around it. That makes Giovani harder to treat. Giovani is growing into important brain tissue too so we can't just hack bits out like you can in other parts of the brain.

In any case, my battle is now mainly mental. I need to justify my daily existence. My good friend recently posted that "The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and obvious and so simple." - Alan Watts. But I am not content with simply being alive. It is easier when I have a 'good' day like today. I still don't get anything done but I guess I *do* feel more content about it. It's all I have though ... stayin' alive that is. I am unlikely to get better so it's a matter of staying alive for as long as possible. This is not really much fun. Especially when staying alive is so much hard work. Don't get me wrong ... I am in no hurry to die and I do enjoy all of your visits . I just get a bit bored with my simple existence. I probably think about it too much. Yes ... I probably do.

I think that I'll have a cup of tea and watch some TV. In the mean time I'll post an email from Malaysia. Enjoy!